Fort Collins Colorado sucks even though it seems to make it to the top of every “best of” list out there. With this high ranking has come a lot of attention from people who might be looking to relocate. If you are considering moving here, let us save you some time so that you can consider other areas.
Nice Weather
Fort Collins gets on average 300 days of sunshine each year. Take it from us, nice weather gets old. We often get seasonal depression in the summer as it begins to feel like groundhog day with the same cloudless days and warm temperatures continuing ad nauseam. You would probably be happier in a place that has actual weather like the Pacific Northwest.
Too many restaurants.
If you want to open a restaurant, Fort Collins is not for you. With more restaurants per capita than any place West of the Mississippi many new restaurants close with some of the long term institutions beating them out for their customers. If you are just someone who likes to go out to eat, good luck figuring out where you want to go. There are simply too many choices and you will likely forget about some restaurants if you don’t happen to be on that side of town. It is truly unfortunate.
Street Art Everywhere
Lots of cities have graffiti all over their utility boxes. This tends to make it easy to tell which gang’s territory you happen to be in. Not so in Fort Collins. Many of our utility boxes are painted by local artists. Does this mean there is a gang of artists?
Traffic
Most places have terrible traffic on the roads. We do too, but Fort Collins sucks because of the traffic on the trails. Your ears will be ringing with “on your left” from all the cyclists that pass you on a leisurely Saturday morning walk on the trail. With more than 40 miles of paved trail it would seem that no place is safe from cyclists and runners. It’s usually best to just stay home.
Pianos About Town
Some parts of town look like an apartment complex dumpster after the first of the month will all the pianos left to and fro. Even worse, some of our more musically inclined residents even play them, filling the air with spontaneous music. Who needs that?
Fort Collins Connexion
The City has begun offering the internet as a utility. Who wants reliable high speed internet? We know many people who enjoy fighting with Comcast or another ISP about their ever fluctuating bill, service outages, and slow internet speeds. It truly is the holy trinity of a good time. So who would want reliable high speed internet from the same people who provide water and electricity? This is just nonsense.
Too Many Local Industries.
Most normal places are reliant on one major industry such as oil and gas, timber, or tech. Not so in Fort Collins. Our top local employers are spread out across a number of industries. From Colorado State University to UC Health, Broadcom to Otterbox, New Belgium Brewery to Woodward Governor not to mention local government administration for the city and county. Unfortunately, if you are hoping to find an affordable home this means property values will always remain high since downturns in one industry won’t cause a mass exodus of area residents.
Colorado State University
From game day football traffic to crowded bars and restaurants in old town on the weekends it’s no secret that CSU has a major effect on Fort Collins. As one of the area’s largest employers and with many alumni staying in the area, if you don’t like the color green or you attended CU, you might find it difficult to spend any length of time here.
Natural Areas
Another reason that Fort Collins sucks is Four words, annoying natural lands everywhere. Seriously everywhere. The Fort Collins Natural Areas Department has set out the goal for everyone in town to be a ten minute walk from nature. In order to achieve this there are pocket natural areas all over town. If you like to see the way the pilgrims lived this might be appealing, but for the rest of us who live in modern times we need wifi and places to plug in our hovercars.
Magazines Are Just Trying to Sell Ads and Subscriptions
Don’t believe the hype from Money Magazine, Outside or anyone else, they don’t live here. Just ask yourself if you knew about a gem of a place to live would you scream it from the rooftops for thousands of people to hear, or just keep it to yourself and your closest friends? That is exactly what is happening here, your best bet is to find places that never win awards or are nominated for best of lists. We guarantee that’s where those rich magazine executives live!
If it isn’t clear this was our attempt at some tongue in cheek humor this April Fools Day. While we all fondly remember the good ole days of a young and small Fort Collins, as it has continued to grow it remains a great place to call home. If you have made it this far and still want to move here please don’t hesitate to contact us, we would be happy to help you find your new home.